Monday Morning Coffee

January 14, 2019

That was a tough battle the Rams had on their hands against the Cowboys before coming away with the win. I can’t tell if CJ Anderson was running for his next contract, or his next meal. Either way, he’s an inspiration to “Dad Bods” all over the country. Much of that can be attributed to Sean McVay’s brilliant offense, which he got back to basics to get the win. I’m a little worries about Jared Goff, but hopefully it was just a tough defense and wet weather that slowed him down. Mind you, Saturday’s game was not just a battle between the Rams and the Cowboys. It was In-N-Out and Cali-Mex vs Whataburger and Tex-Mex. The former wins everyday of the week. Meanwhile, the Cowboys attempted the first “Heimlich maneuver” during a game in NFL history.

Speaking of firsts, the Chargers-Patriots game was filled with them. It was the first time a woman officiated a playoff game, and the first time a team has played a playoff game without a defense. Well at least that’s how it felt for most of the game, where the Patriots abused the Bolts. The Patriots treated the Chargers like the Chargers treated the city of San Diego. It’s a little tough to win a playoff game when your starting quarterback has more children than your team has points. The only chance they had was if this game wasn’t in New England, but even then they still could have been outclassed. Feels like this team has no chance to get by New England or Kansas City anytime soon.

Elsewhere around the Divisional Sunday, Alshon Jeffrey’s new best friend is going to be Cody Parkey. That drop was much worse than Parkey’s field goal miss because it was even easier. Somewhere, Keyshawn Johnson is saying how great nepotism is, since every week he picks the Saints because his nephew, Michael Thomas, plays for them. Thomas was dominant on Sunday, which launched the Saints into the NFC title game. Meanwhile, Patrick Mahomes was amazing in Kansas City, as the Chiefs dominated the Colts. It’s even more amazing that Mahomes can perform this well with a sprained knee and Chris Collinsworth clinging to his nuts. I also love the “Helen Keller” audibles that Mahomes call out at the line. The Chiefs look like a machine that can’t be stopped.

Speaking of football, how could we forget the fact that Alabama got crushed by Clemson last week in the National Championship game. Notre Dame allowed fewer points to Clemson in the semi-finals than Bama did in the Championship. I guess that means that Bama should join a real conference. Actually, they probably belong in a women’s powder puff league. Since this is the logic we have to hear when Notre Dame loses in the playoffs, it should apply to Alabama too right? ‘Bama fans haven’t been this upset since the Brown vs Board of Education decision.

USC should now stand for “U Stupid Clowns.” Cliff Kingsbury was the offensive coordinator for about 5 minutes, then was named Head Coach of the Arizona Cardinals. I really need to have a cup of coffee with Sean McVay, then I might get an NFL team to hire me as their Head Coach. The Kingsbury era was probably more successful than the Lane Kiffin era though. I will remember it mostly for the government shutdown. At least there were no NCAA sanctions that resulted from his employment. It’s looking especially disastrous right now for the Trojan football program, and doesn’t look like it will be getting better anytime soon.

Andrew Friedman is making moves! The Dodgers President of Baseball Operations just traded for former Dodger catcher, Russell Martin, over the weekend. Martin hit a whopping .170 last year. This is what Friedman is doing with the $40 million he just saved? I can’t wait to see what’s next. Is he going to sign James Loney and Chad Billingsley? This is why you shouldn’t let small market thinkers run big market clubs, especially when you are one or two pieces away from winning the World Series. Also, if you think Friedman is going to sign Bryce Harper and give him $300 million, you haven’t been paying attention.

What a total disgrace the Lakers were last night. I don’t care if they don’t have Lebron right now. If the Lakers can’t beat the Cavs and Knicks at home without Lebron, they don’t deserve to make the playoffs. I’ve seen nothing but a complete lack of professionalism from a bunch of 20-year olds who think they can show up like they do at Equinox and run people off the court. Chicago is coming in on Tuesday, and I wouldn’t be surprised if they lost that one too. I also didn’t realize the Lakers utilize the “Bird Box Challenge” while shooting three pointers every game. If Lebron doesn’t make it back soon, this season could very well be lost.

I thought girls I went to high school with held bigger grudges than I had every seen before, then I saw Blake Griffin play against the Clippers over the weekend. He scored 40+ points against his former team, but that wasn’t even half the story. Griffin ignored Steve Ballmer while running by him after warm ups, when Ballmer reached out to him to try and shake his hand. I like how Griffin claimed this story was bullshit because he always does this during his warm up. The only bullshit is Blake’s explanation, which was exposed when he was asked if he would shake Ballmer’s hand in another circumstance, and his response was “I’m not here to talk about hypotheticals.” Don’t be passive aggressive Blake. Own up to the fact you don’t like what the Clippers did and move on. However, nobody believes this was an accident…..

The LA Kings have been a total disaster this season. They need to completely blow up the team and rebuild, and clean house in the front office. However, on Saturday night against the Penguins, the fans got to experience the highlight of the season: Snoop Dog joining the broadcast team for some play-by-play. Snoop should do play-by-play for nearly every team. It’s way too entertaining. Here’s the entirety of it, and you’ll enjoy every second.

Finally, the Bachelor returned to ABC last week, and that means the spotlight is on Colton. I admit that I had a ton of fun with the virgin jokes for a while, but are we going to have to hear about this for an entire season? This is totally ABC’s next best attempt since Tim Tebow turned them down. Any woman that says she hasn’t been with a virgin since she was 12 automatically qualifies as the biggest slut in Bachelor history. I completely forgot how boring Becca was until she made another appearance on the show. I’d much rather hear Bri’s fake Australian accent for a whole season, as opposed to Krystal’s voice for one minute. You’ve gotta love Catherine’s five attempts to talk to Colton. The show did not not need to be three hours. We had to wait a whole hour before we saw the limo entrances! The show had more filler than Catherine’s lips! I definitely thought sloth girl was really Tia trying to sneak back onto the show. I really wanted her to get a rose though. However, even Helen Keller could see that finale rose going to Catherine. That has producer pick written all over it. The sloth must have been a metaphor for the pace of the first episode.

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