Monthly Archives: January 2019

Monday Morning Coffee

January 21, 2019

The Rams are back in the Super Bowl! It was just two seasons ago that this team was complete trash, and now they have a chance to win it all. I did not realize that you can now completely deck a receiver before he catches the ball. I feel bad that the Saints had to lose in that fashion, and I hate to see it happen to a guy as good as Drew Brees. However, they still had their chances. Sean McVay proved his genius once again, finding a way to make adjustments after his team went down 13-0 early on. As if blowing the lead wasn’t bad enough, you actually had to see Michael Thomas’ butt when he got tackled in the 1st quarter. I suppose it’s comforting knowing Todd Gurley just sucked, and isn’t really injured. Hopefully he gets his game back against the Patriots in two weeks.

Speaking of the Patriots, how could we be so foolish to bet against them? That’s like betting against Michael Jordan. Tom Brady must be so excited. I’m sure Giselle will reward him by allowing him to eat one extra almond. Just think how upset Andy Reid is knowing that he won’t get a free buffet at the White House. As great as Patrick Mahomes was this season, if the Chiefs can’t beat the Patriots this year, when will they ever beat them? New England is loaded with picks and cap space this coming offseason. As long as Brady is playing, the Pats will stay in contention.

Now that we learned that Kyrie Irving called Lebron to apologize to him, is it too early to start the highly irresponsible “Kyrie to the Lakers” rumor? It sure isn’t too early for Stephen A. Smith, who already floated the idea last week. Of course right when Lonzo Ball started to play well, he goes down with another injury. At least Lebron and Rondo will be coming back soon. Also, in case you haven’t noticed D’Angelo Russell is balling. So is Julius Randle. This is the same Russell and Randle everybody wanted to give up on. It’s a cautionary tale for those of you that want to trade Lonzo Ball, Brandon Ingram, or Kyle Kuzma for a bag of Doritos.

I have no idea what Andrew Friedman is trying to do for the Dodgers, but the optics are looking worse and worse by the day. He decided not to re-sign Yasmani Grandal, who only got a one year deal for $16 million. The Dodgers wouldn’t match that? Now Friedman is rumored to be shopping Joc Pederson, who is cheap and hits lots of home runs. In other words, the Dodgers have plenty of money, just added even more money, and aren’t spending it on anything to improve their team. I’ve never felt like Bryce Harper, Manny Machado, or Corey Kluber were necessary. Now I feel like they are or else this offseason is a total failure.

Then there’s the Angels, who have decided to take a different approach. Instead of not spending money, they have decided to spend it in a way that is similar to burning it. The latest blunder is signing Cody Allen to be their closer. Allen couldn’t close a hot dog stand last year, yet somehow will get $9 million. If the Halos are planning on keeping Mike Trout after two more seasons, they don’t seem to have a very good plan. They have signed a handful of players that have put them even further away from a playoff spot. I sure hope Trout likes Orange County, because that might be the only thing preventing him from signing with the Phillies in 2020.

I had no idea that tanking not only happened in the NBA, but also in the television industry. I mean that is the only explanation for why CBS decided to show the UCLA-USC basketball game on Saturday afternoon. UCLA should never lose to USC in basketball, yet somehow they managed to do it on national television. For just a moment, I was actually foolish enough to believe the Bruins might be able to win the PAC 12 after firing Steve Alford since the conference is so bad this year. However, it’s very clear that this team needs an elite coach to get back on track. Losing to your cross-town rival that is really a so called “football school” is unacceptable. Just ask USC how they feel about losing to UCLA this year in football.

Finally, episode 2 of The Bachelor went down on ABC last week. The woman with the air horn needed to be sent home immediately! Demi is like the “poor woman’s” version of Corrine, except I actually like Corrine and I can’t stand Demi. She looks like a woman that stars in a day-time drama on NBC that has an affair, poisons your kids, then kills you. How many Hannah’s and Ashley’s are on this show? I feel like the producers could easily be subbing contestants in and out during the commercials and we’d never know at this stage. It’s been two episodes and Nicole has cried twice already. Colton is so stressed he’s losing his eyelashes. How many times are you girls going to ask “why are you a virgin?” The more I see these girls, the more I understand that scene where Colton jumped over the fence. I didn’t realize the roses are like The Stanley Cup, where you can’t touch it unless you win it. Nobody has been this upset about a woman touching a rose since Beauty and The Beast. “Does she not have parents” is the new bachelor insult. Looking forward to watching more of this train wreck tonight.

Monday Morning Coffee

January 14, 2019

That was a tough battle the Rams had on their hands against the Cowboys before coming away with the win. I can’t tell if CJ Anderson was running for his next contract, or his next meal. Either way, he’s an inspiration to “Dad Bods” all over the country. Much of that can be attributed to Sean McVay’s brilliant offense, which he got back to basics to get the win. I’m a little worries about Jared Goff, but hopefully it was just a tough defense and wet weather that slowed him down. Mind you, Saturday’s game was not just a battle between the Rams and the Cowboys. It was In-N-Out and Cali-Mex vs Whataburger and Tex-Mex. The former wins everyday of the week. Meanwhile, the Cowboys attempted the first “Heimlich maneuver” during a game in NFL history.

Speaking of firsts, the Chargers-Patriots game was filled with them. It was the first time a woman officiated a playoff game, and the first time a team has played a playoff game without a defense. Well at least that’s how it felt for most of the game, where the Patriots abused the Bolts. The Patriots treated the Chargers like the Chargers treated the city of San Diego. It’s a little tough to win a playoff game when your starting quarterback has more children than your team has points. The only chance they had was if this game wasn’t in New England, but even then they still could have been outclassed. Feels like this team has no chance to get by New England or Kansas City anytime soon.

Elsewhere around the Divisional Sunday, Alshon Jeffrey’s new best friend is going to be Cody Parkey. That drop was much worse than Parkey’s field goal miss because it was even easier. Somewhere, Keyshawn Johnson is saying how great nepotism is, since every week he picks the Saints because his nephew, Michael Thomas, plays for them. Thomas was dominant on Sunday, which launched the Saints into the NFC title game. Meanwhile, Patrick Mahomes was amazing in Kansas City, as the Chiefs dominated the Colts. It’s even more amazing that Mahomes can perform this well with a sprained knee and Chris Collinsworth clinging to his nuts. I also love the “Helen Keller” audibles that Mahomes call out at the line. The Chiefs look like a machine that can’t be stopped.

Speaking of football, how could we forget the fact that Alabama got crushed by Clemson last week in the National Championship game. Notre Dame allowed fewer points to Clemson in the semi-finals than Bama did in the Championship. I guess that means that Bama should join a real conference. Actually, they probably belong in a women’s powder puff league. Since this is the logic we have to hear when Notre Dame loses in the playoffs, it should apply to Alabama too right? ‘Bama fans haven’t been this upset since the Brown vs Board of Education decision.

USC should now stand for “U Stupid Clowns.” Cliff Kingsbury was the offensive coordinator for about 5 minutes, then was named Head Coach of the Arizona Cardinals. I really need to have a cup of coffee with Sean McVay, then I might get an NFL team to hire me as their Head Coach. The Kingsbury era was probably more successful than the Lane Kiffin era though. I will remember it mostly for the government shutdown. At least there were no NCAA sanctions that resulted from his employment. It’s looking especially disastrous right now for the Trojan football program, and doesn’t look like it will be getting better anytime soon.

Andrew Friedman is making moves! The Dodgers President of Baseball Operations just traded for former Dodger catcher, Russell Martin, over the weekend. Martin hit a whopping .170 last year. This is what Friedman is doing with the $40 million he just saved? I can’t wait to see what’s next. Is he going to sign James Loney and Chad Billingsley? This is why you shouldn’t let small market thinkers run big market clubs, especially when you are one or two pieces away from winning the World Series. Also, if you think Friedman is going to sign Bryce Harper and give him $300 million, you haven’t been paying attention.

What a total disgrace the Lakers were last night. I don’t care if they don’t have Lebron right now. If the Lakers can’t beat the Cavs and Knicks at home without Lebron, they don’t deserve to make the playoffs. I’ve seen nothing but a complete lack of professionalism from a bunch of 20-year olds who think they can show up like they do at Equinox and run people off the court. Chicago is coming in on Tuesday, and I wouldn’t be surprised if they lost that one too. I also didn’t realize the Lakers utilize the “Bird Box Challenge” while shooting three pointers every game. If Lebron doesn’t make it back soon, this season could very well be lost.

I thought girls I went to high school with held bigger grudges than I had every seen before, then I saw Blake Griffin play against the Clippers over the weekend. He scored 40+ points against his former team, but that wasn’t even half the story. Griffin ignored Steve Ballmer while running by him after warm ups, when Ballmer reached out to him to try and shake his hand. I like how Griffin claimed this story was bullshit because he always does this during his warm up. The only bullshit is Blake’s explanation, which was exposed when he was asked if he would shake Ballmer’s hand in another circumstance, and his response was “I’m not here to talk about hypotheticals.” Don’t be passive aggressive Blake. Own up to the fact you don’t like what the Clippers did and move on. However, nobody believes this was an accident…..

The LA Kings have been a total disaster this season. They need to completely blow up the team and rebuild, and clean house in the front office. However, on Saturday night against the Penguins, the fans got to experience the highlight of the season: Snoop Dog joining the broadcast team for some play-by-play. Snoop should do play-by-play for nearly every team. It’s way too entertaining. Here’s the entirety of it, and you’ll enjoy every second.


Finally, the Bachelor returned to ABC last week, and that means the spotlight is on Colton. I admit that I had a ton of fun with the virgin jokes for a while, but are we going to have to hear about this for an entire season? This is totally ABC’s next best attempt since Tim Tebow turned them down. Any woman that says she hasn’t been with a virgin since she was 12 automatically qualifies as the biggest slut in Bachelor history. I completely forgot how boring Becca was until she made another appearance on the show. I’d much rather hear Bri’s fake Australian accent for a whole season, as opposed to Krystal’s voice for one minute. You’ve gotta love Catherine’s five attempts to talk to Colton. The show did not not need to be three hours. We had to wait a whole hour before we saw the limo entrances! The show had more filler than Catherine’s lips! I definitely thought sloth girl was really Tia trying to sneak back onto the show. I really wanted her to get a rose though. However, even Helen Keller could see that finale rose going to Catherine. That has producer pick written all over it. The sloth must have been a metaphor for the pace of the first episode.

Monday Morning Coffee

January 7, 2019


Lebron says he’s the greatest player ever. If he said it now after watching Brandon Ingram and Lonzo Ball play for the last 5 games, I don’t think anybody would argue. Ingram and Lonzo might have had moments where they put up numbers, but they are empty when the team doesn’t win. They’ve been asked to do more in Lebron’s absence, and it’s a major indictment on them that they haven’t been able to. I’m also disgusted by the entire team’s free throw shooting, which is worse than Philip Seymour Hoffman’s shooting in “Along Came Polly”. If the Lakers can’t beat teams like the Knicks and Timberwolves without Lebron, their young core probably isn’t more than nice support players. That’s been a disappointing reality of the last week.

To the NFL, where the Chargers almost “Chargered” that game yesterday. However, thank goodness for them that the Ravens had more fumbles than people murdered by Ray Lewis. Speaking of Lewis, he really “killed” that pregame dance. The MVP of the game had to be Bolts kicker Michael Badgley. The Chargers must be ready to induct him into the Hall of Fame after making nearly all his field goal attempts, which is unheard of for any Charger kicker. I still don’t understand why Joe Flacco didn’t play in the 2nd half. My only explanation is that Lamar Jackson had a sex tape of John Harbaugh he was threatening to release. The showdown with the Patriots next week is going to be fun, but it’s hard to imagine the Chargers coming out of New England with a victory.

The Eagles v Bears game was unbelievably boring, unless you like punts and bad officiating. The ending may have been exciting but that’s it. The best thing to happen to the Rams and the NFL was the Bears getting eliminated yesterday. Jared Goff had trouble with the Bears defense, and even though tackling Ezekiel Elliott 30 times a game won’t be fun, the Cowboys aren’t great on the road in the playoffs. The Bears also make for a boring low scoring football game in whatever game they are playing in. On the other hand, scoring off the field for Nick Foles shouldn’t be very hard.

Elsewhere around Wild Card Weekend, if that was college football, the Colts wouldn’t be in the playoffs, but they would have been playing the Texans in the Taxslayer Bowl. The ESPN broadcast was the playoff version of the Houston Texans. Imagine paying hundreds of dollars to sit in a stadium, only to have your favorite team get “R. Kelly’d“ for 3 hours. That’s what it was like for Texans fans, as the team logged off about 3 minutes into that game. Meanwhile, it was like Clay Helton was calling the plays for the Seahawks, who lost a close one to the Cowboys. Russell Wilson was dominating in the first half, yet they were running the ball like it was 1996. That onside kick was almost as bad as Seattle throwing the ball at the one yard line in the Super Bowl. To think that we all thought it was Jason Garrett who was the liability in this game. Troy Aikman must have forgotten to take his Visine after getting high before the game.

To College Basketball where Bruins actually started PAC-12 play with a 2-0 record. It certainly helps that the conference is trash, but it also helps that they have a coach who isn’t clueless. It’s nice to see someone who decides to keep it simple, play uptempo, full court-press, and use the team’s athleticism to its advantage. Imagine how much better they could be with an elite coach? Rumors have it that elite coach could be Rick Pitino, because several boosters are pushing for him. Nothing says UCLA like hot tubs, honeys, and cash. Sure Pitino would make the program elite, but at what cost? When it comes to college sports, there still needs to be some level of morality here. This isn’t Michigan State or Ohio State. I can just see Oprah yelling “you get a stripper and you get a strippper!” I also love the shade that Jay Bilas threw at Dan Guerrero by saying “If you know what you’re doing, you don’t need a search committee for a coach.” Nice to see somebody else realizes that Dan Guerrero doesn’t know what he’s doing.

Much like UCLA basketball, USC football is struggling for relevancy in the LA sports market. What’s been happening with Cliff Kingsbury isn’t helping fix that. Kingsbury took the Trojan offensive coordinator job, was seen as the savior to the program, and now NFL teams want to interview him. In a total rookie move by Lynn Swann, he is blocking him from interviewing with NFL teams. This marks the first time anybody at USC has blocked anything in months. Not only is this a rookie move by Swann because it looks terrible to block a coordinator from the NFL, but it was stupid to not add a clause in his contract preventing Kingsbury from interviewing for a year. It turns out Dan Guerrero isn’t the only clueless AD in Los Angeles.

What happened to all the money the Dodgers were supposed to spend? You can’t fool the fans. The Dodgers just dumped $40 million in payroll without getting anything in return, and for the last two years Andrew Friedman insinuated they were saving up for this big 2018 free agent class. Instead they have done nothing with the savings, and spring training starts in 39 days. Mind you, this is a team with the richest TV contract in baseball, and some of the highest ticket prices in the game, with fans coming to Dodger Stadium like sheep. I’m not saying the team needs to spend money on Bryce Harper, but they have money and have done little to nothing to improve the team this offseason. Stop pretending like the luxury tax is some crippling impediment for the franchise. The team is much worse than last year, and even two years ago. Meanwhile Andrew Friedman is probably planning on spending the savings on a costume for Comicon and a new Xbox.

Finally, Saturday night was supposed to by 90’s night at Staples Center for the LA Kings. The Kings ended up winning 4-0 against the Oilers. If it were really 90’s night the Kings would have lost 5-0 to the Oilers and would have used 3 goalies. Fox Sports also brought back the glowing puck on its telecast, and could track the MPH of the puck. What should be tracked is the deterioration of the Kings the longer they stubbornly keep their expensive core together. This team is in cap hell, and has won one playoff game in four years since winning their last Cup. Time to turn the page but unfortunately, their front office remains in denial about it. They should be trying to tank games and get the #1 pick in this year’s draft, but they refuse to see the big picture.