Monthly Archives: February 2019

Monday Morning Coffee


February 18, 2019

Entertaining NBA All-Star game last night. Why was I not surprised to see Team Lebron dog it for more than half the game, only to start caring in the 2nd half? Of course everybody was having the time of their life except Kevin Durant, who was probably tweeting from his burner account while he was on the bench. Kawhi never smiles, but I’ve never seen the man grin so much over the course of one evening. Ben Simmons must have felt more awkward than a junior high school girl with all those 3-pointers being shot by everyone else. I’m also shocked that Kyle Kuzma won the MVP of the Rising Stars Game. I thought Jayson Tatum was the greatest player of all-time according to all Adrian Wojnarowski’s Celtic sources. I’m not a huge Meek Mill fan but the time halftime show was 10x better than that of the Super Bowl. Take note NFL.

In just over a month the perception of the Lakers has completely changed. Suddenly everyone thinks Magic and Pelinka are idiots, Luke Walton should be coaching a women’s 8th grade team, the young core should be playing in the WNBA, and Lebron should be traded. After most of you take a Xanax, maybe you’ll come back to earth and gain perspective. Just because you’ve never done a job before, doesn’t mean you can’t be great at it. Magic, Pelinka, and Walton are all taking on new roles for the first time in their careers. That means they are going to make mistakes, but eventually grow. Just like Lonzo, Ingram, and Kuzma are all going to get even better. You just have to give it time, even if that doesn’t sit well with Lebron. Even Magic can learn from his mistakes though, which he showed a few days ago when asked about Kemba Walker. Prior to this the man seemed to have no sense of self-awareness when it came to tampering.

Last week Steve Ballmer told ESPN that he wouldn’t sell the Clippers for $80 billion. It’s that kind of stupidity that makes me realize why this man no longer runs Microsoft anymore. If that’s the case then why doesn’t he just move the team to Seattle? Let’s be honest, if he did, there might be 10 people in LA that actually care that he did, and Seattle would finally get the team it deserves. Some of you are arguing that the Clippers are a free agent destination because nobody wants to deal with the Lakers circus and Lebron drama. However, none of those free agents would want to be a second fiddle star in a town Lebron owns.

Spring training has started and we’re still waiting on two of baseball’s best players to be employed. That got me wondering if things would be any different if Mike Trout were on the free market. Although it only takes one stupid team to give Machado and Harper a big contract, there aren’t a number of teams lining up for their services at their asking price. I don’t get the feeling that even Mike Trout would change that. Teams have convinced themselves that star power isn’t a franchise changing quality, and Trout has already shown that not even his greatness can lead an Angels team to a title. On the other hand, this may actually help the Halos keep Trout beyond 2020 if the market for him isn’t very deep.

Meanwhile, Andrew Friedman is at it again playing PR Guy. Last week he claimed that the Dodgers have a chance to be an elite team, and that they have no weakness. I guess they have no weakness, except for the fact they have an analytical fool running their front office, a pair of catchers that hit like little leaguers, and a TV channel that nobody can see. This franchise is committed to being just not good enough. It’s remarkable really. However, Stan Kasten knows all about that from his continuous playoff failures in Atlanta.

It’s been two weeks since the Super Bowl. Will we ever find out what happened to Todd Gurley? Sean McVay has been more evasive about this topic than Ted Bundy slipping out of jail. I refuse to believe that Todd Gurley just suddenly started playing like garbage. The man was one of the best running backs in football all season, and suddenly McVay barely uses him in the most important game of his life? If this wasn’t a health issue, the Rams have a much bigger problem on their hands considering they just paid Gurley $40 million guaranteed.

Another episode of The Walking Dead went down last night on AMC. Spoiler alert for those of you who have yet to see it, so read no further if you plan on watching it later. This was one of those episodes where I found myself wanting to reaching into the TV and strangle Henry for all the stupid things he was telling Lydia. I think it’s time for Carol to make him “look at the flowers.” They needed Negan to come back and interrogate Lydia with Lucille. Alpha isn’t playing around. She strangled some dude with her bare hands just 43 days in the apocalypse. If Lydia wants to know Daryl’s story she should binge watch the last 8 seasons. Daryl was eating worms before it was cool. I’m not sure I can even eat Gummy Worms after watching that. Alpha’s backstory is kind of like Carol’s, only Alpha is a little more psycho. She says she wants her daughter back. I’m surprised she doesn’t want a wash cloth and skin care products instead. Very good episode and looking forward to more next week!

Finally, The Bachelor returns to ABC tonight. I feel like all the virgin references in the show have been replaced by Colton saying “that’s my greatest fear.” It’s gotta be tough for him to figure out which of these 22 year old Instagram models isn’t ready for marriage. I think Bachelor Nation is way more excited to see Colton jump over the fence than lose his virginity. I was also excited to see Colton send Nicole and Onyeka home after all their drama. I like how Demi said she was going to take Colton’s virginity, but Colton basically told her that I’m going to take you off the show. I am rather upset that we won’t get to meet her mom during hometowns though. Demi and Jordan are going to make a great Bachelor In Paradise couple. This season proves that if you are blond, a size 4 or smaller, unemployed, and a human with an instagram, you have the opportunity of a life time. Next time Hannah makes an animal sound I’ll be ready to call the police. Gott love how the runner up from Miss USA just said that Hannah G has relied on her looks her whole life. I’m a little paranoid that we didn’t see Cassie on the hometown previews. Hopefully it’s just the show playing mind tricks on us.


Monday Morning Coffee

February 11, 2019

The Lakers didn’t get Anthony Davis, but once everybody checks their sanity, they will realize it’s perfectly fine. Contrary to what some of you shortsighted folks think, the Lakers have three promising young players who are improving. They shouldn’t need to give up everything for a player that wants to be in LA. Especially not with seven all-star players on the free agent market this summer. However, one thing is clear. When the league refers to “big markets” they are only referring to the Lakers. Heck, why don’t we just make up rules to prevent the Lakers from being good again, since certain small markets refuse to do business with them. I guess it would also help if Magic wasn’t so cavalier about trying to trade everybody. Still, the Lakers were a good team when they were healthy, so no reason they can’t get back to that level.

Meanwhile, I’ll give the Clippers credit for being smart. They traded away Tobias Harris, knowing it would hurt their playoff chances. However, the front office knows they are better off not making the playoffs so they can keep their 1st round pick. Yes it was cagey, but stop giving Jerry West credit for this move. West is great and all, but the man collects a $1 million paycheck to come to the office once or twice a week and give some input. Does anybody know who Michael Winger and Lawrence Frank are? Also, the narrative about the Clippers is hilarious. They trade their best player to clear cap space, get draft picks, and chase free agents. The Lakers have the best player on the planet, still have cap space, and are still the Lakers, yet everyone thinks the franchise is in the toilet. It just goes to show you how real the Clipper inferiority complex is, and how great the Laker hate is around the Association.

Kevin Durant is great at basketball, but he’s a cry baby. Durant avoided the media for a week after the Knicks made a cap clearing move by trading Kristaps Porzingas. Then he decided to go off on them last week for asking about his free agency. He says he just wants to “go to the gym, play ball, and go home.” He told them to “grow up.” Really dude? The guy making burner Twitter accounts to argue with 12 year olds about how good he is needs to “grow up”? If you want to just go to the gym and go home, then go play at the YMCA. Yes you’re obligated to speak to the media because they help promote the game and help you cash those million dollar paychecks. If KD thinks his life sucks now, wait until he gets to the Knicks where the media will be up in his business all day long.

To baseball where pitchers and catchers will report for the Dodgers on Wednesday. I’d like to congratulate Andrew Friedman on using his computer to find a way to make the Dodgers worse while having about $100 million to spend. No Bryce Harper, Manny Machado, Corey Kluber, or JT Realmuto. The Dodgers had the means to easily acquire at least two of those three players, but were content not to. Realmuto and Kluber could have been had for two prospects that weren’t even in the top 100 in baseball. Oh and the best part is the team is raking in millions with their own TV channel that 70% of you can’t see, while more fans keep showing up at Dodger Stadium like sheep. Dodger Baseball everyone!

National signing day was this past Wednesday, and it’s interesting that you didn’t hear much about it locally. That’s because both USC and UCLA football were a complete recruiting disaster. USC did not pick up a single five star recruit, and UCLA had only 1 four star recruit. For SC, which identifies itself as a “football school” it can no longer keep talent in its own backyard. Clay Helton is having a horrible enough time developing players, and now he can’t even recruit them. Then there’s UCLA, which is spending millions to not only have a bad football team, but also to completely flounder when it comes to recruiting. This is totally unacceptable for a school that just blew its wad on Chip Kelly. College football in SoCal is a complete embarrassment right now.

At least UCLA considers itself a basketball school right? Oh wait their basketball team stinks too. For about 20 minutes, they looked like a team with Top 25 talent on Saturday against Utah. Then in the last 20 minutes, they looked like the most mentally fragile team I had ever seen. I’m not sure what’s a bigger miracle at this point: Utah winning that game after being down by 22 points in the 2nd half, or UCLA winning 12 games this season? It’s just sad to see the Bruins in this state, and there are fewer and fewer coaches that are going to be interested in taking over this dumpster fire the more games they play.

I don’t know about you but I give the Grammy’s about a 5 out of 10 last night, and that’s probably generous. Those who won awards had a nice year, but are far from the biggest stars in the music industry currently. Most of us watch the Grammy’s for great performances, but it’s hard to see that when you have a show without Taylor Swift, Beyoncé, Ariana Grande, or Drake performing. However, if you saw SNL over the weekend you saw an amazing performance from Halsey, who hosted and performed. She also took the meaning of music “artist” to a different level. Check it out.

The Walking Dead was back on AMC last night! I’m liking how the show is re-inventing itself but we’ll see how long it can last or if this is just some early momentum that will die. Spoiler alert for those of you who have yet to see it so skip this paragraph if you plan on watching it later. It wouldn’t be worth surviving if I had to wear a dead guys face to do it. Where did those dogs come from? No way they could survive the Apocalypse. These people really let Judith walk around by herself? I like how Negan’s first order of business after being locked up for six years was shopping, and how he somehow found a leather jacket. Homie is sweating in a t-shirt yet still put on the jacket. Gotta love the commitment to aesthetic. Is anyone going to tell the Kingdom what is going on? Henry is going to be the dude to screw things up. Rosita is the apocalyptic version of The Bachelorette. Pregnant with Siddiq’s baby, dating Gabriel, but Eugene’s in love with her. Lydia is gonna find a way out of her cell. It’s only a matter of time.

Finally, The Bachelor returns to ABC tonight! How much longer do we have to wait for Colton to jump over the fence? I was devastated to learn that there was no fence on that beach. All these cliffhangers but I’m just wondering what happened to Kirpa’s chin. She did a great job spending her limited screen time flossing Colton’s teeth. Onyeka can’t complain about wanting to move on from drama that she started. She’s apparently never been called a bully, yet she said she’s capable of saying things to tear you down? Makes sense. Neither of those girls are going to end up in the finals, so their inevitable 2-on-1 is a waste of time. However, Onyeka vs Nicole is still more exciting than the Super Bowl we saw last week. Congrats to Heather who waited 23 years for her first kiss with a dude that has 15 girlfriend’s and makes out with multiple women a day. The Women Tell All is going to be lit! It still sucks we didn’t get a Rose ceremony though. Looking forward to more action tonight!


Monday Morning Coffee


February 4, 2019

I think I just witnessed the worst Super Bowl of all-time. The Rams offense disappeared faster than Adam Levine’s shirt at halftime. The offensive line couldn’t protect Jared Goff or open any holes for Todd Gurley. I doubt Gurley is healthy, and the Rams missed Cooper Kupp more than ever. We also didn’t see the offensive creativity of Sean McVay we saw in previous weeks. The best quarterback at the Super Bowl yesterday was actually Tony Romo, and he didn’t even play. It was a great season for the Rams, and you can’t be upset about losing to the greatest QB and coach of all-time, but the way they lost was disheartening. The Rams might contend again, but to make matters worse, their road to get back here won’t be easy with the Saints, Bears, and Eagles ready to re-load. The Patriots won’t be going away anytime soon either.

Imagine paying $7000 to attend that Super Bowl. That was a bigger rip off than attending Fyre Festival. I’d be wondering if there was a soccer game I could go watch, in hopes of finding more scoring. Even watching at home was terrible because the commercials were AWFUL. The only decent commercial was the Bud Light Game of Thrones ad. As for the halftime show, I consider Adam Levine talented, but watching him dance reminded me of that dad who tries to keep up to date with all the “hip fads”. Sorry but I think most people were more offended seeing Adam Levine’s nipples at halftime than Janet Jackson’s a few years ago. Levine also looks like a Chipotle Bag.




On to the NBA, where the Lakers are doing everything they can to acquire Anthony Davis before Thursday’s trade deadline. I’m sure the Pelicans would be willing to trade him for Lonzo Ball, Brandon Ingram, Kyle Kuzma, Wilt Chamberlain in his prime, a re-do of the NFC Championship game, and some smog to be named later. I have my doubts the Pelicans will be motivated enough to do a deal before Thursday. The Lakers just need to get Lebron playing every game the rest of the way to make the playoffs. However, Lebron is likely going to sit out Tuesday’s game with carpel tunnel for using the ESPN Trade Machine every 5 minutes.

😂😂😂 pic.twitter.com/yehE4xaSMg— The Fake ESPN (@TheFakeESPN) January 29, 2019

I’ve maintained the belief for quite some time that the NBA is full of executives and owners that are idiots. The New York Knicks are only strengthening my belief in that idea, especially after trading Kristaps Porzingas to the Mavericks for nothing more than cap space. If the Knicks proposed this deal on Shark Tank, Mark Cuban would have laughed them out of the room and Mr. Wonderful would have insulted them. You don’t trade a 23-year old cost controlled all-star to go chase free agents. Even if the Knicks are lucky enough to sign Kevin Durant and Kyrie Irving, at minimum this is poor planning because they knew this free agent class was going to be great. Whenever you feel bad about your team, just be thankful it’s not the Knicks.

In completely unsurprising college basketball news, UCLA got blown out by Washington on Saturday. Cody Riley missing a dunk and then getting a technical foul for hanging on the rim is 2019 UCLA Basketball at its finest. They turned the ball over 18 times in the first half alone. I haven’t seen basketball that bad since the last time they played. Even more ridiculous is the internet generating rumors that Luke Walton should be the next UCLA head coach. The more I watch this team play, the more ill I feel. It also makes me a lot warmer to the idea of Rick Pitino coaching the team. Not only does UCLA need to figure out how to win, they also need to figure out how to make themselves relevant in the Los Angeles sports market. Only Pitino can do that.

The USC football program finally hired an offensive coordinator. It was Graham Harrell, who was previously the Offensive Coordinator at North Texas. This is like making a movie where you have to settle for Liam Hemsworth as the lead actor because you can’t get Ryan Gosling. That’s what it’s come to folks. Hiring a Sunbelt coach as your OC who didn’t even call the plays. I realize that beggars can’t be choosers given the position the program is in, but this is a completely unimaginative hire by Lynn Swann, who is totally in over his head. I guess Swann was looking for anybody who is young, looks like Sean McVay, and has heard of the Air Raid offense. It feels like we are are inevitably reaching the point in a year from now where the Trojans will be looking for a new Head Coach, if not a new Athletic Director.

Finally, another episode of The Bachelor went down on ABC last week, and it returns tonight. I love when Chris Harrison parachutes in at the beginning of the episode fresh off of 9 holes of golf and a massage. Must be a tough life. If everyone that hated Demi is gone, and Hanna B and Caelynn are good, why would Colton still be jumping over the fence? Suddenly, Demi is really growing on me. Heather is definitely going to have her first kiss on national TV next week. I like how Colton really had to muster up some mental strength just to remember who Courtney is. Cassie is looking really strong right now and a good bet to win this. If she doesn’t I can easily see her as the next Bachelorette. Colton has no problem calling these girls out, and seems like a much better dude than the previous two Bachelor’s, who had the combined personality of a raisin. I believe last week was the first time in the history of the show that two people had beef, talked it over, and actually worked something out. I’m not sure what’s gotten into the producers. I didn’t actually think Colton was a virgin until I saw this photo of him.