Monday Morning Coffee

Tank 4 Wiggins

July 8th, 2013

I can’t believe I’m going to say this.  If Kobe Bryant heard me say this, he would probably punch me in the face, then give me his death stare.  The Lakers need to tank next season.  If you want to be really good, at some point you have to be really bad for a year, and next year is the year to do it with Andrew Wiggins as the top player available in the 2014 draft.   The Lakers will struggle just to make the playoffs next year, especially with Kobe recovering from his achilles tear.  Getting the 8th seed will do no good when the Lakers get raped in the first round, as opposed to having a few extra ping pong balls in the lottery.  This is exactly how the Spurs got Tim Duncan in 1997.

Meanwhile, the Lakers have almost no free agent options left after Dwight Howard’s departure.  The team can’t even amnesty Metta World War because there are no decent small forwards on the free agent market.  The Lakers should just bring back Sasha Vujacic, Lamar Odom, and put up with the Kardashian drama for another year before re-tooling next summer.

As for Dwight Howard, one has to wonder how badly the Lakers really wanted him back.  They were willing to hang on to Mike D’Antoni, who will probably be fired in a year anyway, than make Dwight happy.  They were also willing to let Kobe give Dwight a good scolding during the presentation.  I admit it, Dwight is a pussy, and couldn’t handle the pressure in LA.  However, he was a cornerstone that would put the Lakers in a much better position moving forward.  In any case, have fun running your air conditioning in Houston Dwight.  By the way, after all this Dwightmare nonsense, does anybody know if Dwight is two syllables or just one?  Is it just “Dwight”? Or “Da-Wight”?  Either way, Shaq thinks he’s a pussy……

Yasiel Puig and the Dodgers have jumped back in the NL West race in no time.  The Dodgers are now in 2nd place in the division, after taking two of three from those liberal, crab sandwich eating, San Francisco Giant bastards.  Has anybody tried to rent an apartment in San Francisco?  It’s no wonder everyone is gay because everyone is so used to taking it in the ass every month when they pay their rent.  Anyway, I hope everyone has voted 25 times or so for Yasiel Puig.  This dude needs to be in the all-star game because he’s been one of the best players in the National League so far.  Even though Adrian Gonzales has had a nice season and deserves some votes, LA wouldn’t be back in the race without Puig.

Phillies closer Jonathan Papelbon is a douchebag.  He thinks it’s a joke that Puig could be in the all-star game after just a month in the majors.  I guess Papelbon was in the clubhouse eating fried chicken last weekend when Puig and the Dodgers beat the crap out of his ball club.  By the way, in a month and half, Puig has played about 7 times the amount of innings Papelbon has.  Too bad Papelbon can’t even pronounce Yasiel Puig’s name right.

The Halos are creeping up in the AL Wild card standings as well.  After taking two of three against Boston, the Angels are now just 5.5 games back in the wild card race.  Mike Trout is rolling, and Josh Hamilton finally looked good with a big walk off home run on Saturday night.  This feels terribly similar to last seasons rally after a slow start, only to fade at the end of the year.

Really tough blow for the LA Kings this weekend, as they lost free agent defenseman Rob Scuderi.  Scuderi signed with his former team, the Pittsburgh Penguins, and sighted family reasons for his decision.  The good news for LA is that they’ll still have one of the best defensive groups in the NHL next year because Willie Mitchell appears to be healthy after sitting out the year with knee trouble.  Meanwhile, the Ducks make a crafty move, trading Bobby Ryan to the Senators for the equally productive, less expensive, and less whiny Jacob Silfverberg.

So who is looking forward to the World Cup in Brazil in 2014?  Over the weekend, in a Brazilian soccer match, referee Jordan Silva pulled a red card on Josenir Santo Abreu, ejecting him from the game.  The confrontation between the two escalated, and eventually Silva stabbed Abreu in the chest with a knife.  Abreu died on the way to the hospital, and the referee was stoned to death and dismembered back at the field.  What color card does that get?  The World Cup should go really well.

Every 4th of July, I find myself falling out of my chair laughing at the Nathan’s Hot Dog eating contest on Coney Island.  Joey Chestnut won his 7th hot dog eating contest, by slamming a world record 69 hot dogs in 10 minutes.  Dude, when I eat 1 hot dog, I consider having a 2nd one, and then after I do, I know it was a terrible decision.  I can’t even imagine trying to slam 69 of them.  Since 2008, Chestnut has actually eaten 380 hot dogs, while over the same stretch, the Houston Astros have only won 377 games.

Finally, has anybody actually stopped and watched the SyFy Channel?  The entire channel has to consist of some of the most terrible movies of all time that never made it to theatre.  We’re talking garbage like Lake Placid 2, Anaconda 3, and those dumb Shark movies that try to copy Jaws.  These things definitely need some celebrity drunken commentary to make them watchable.




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