Monday October 12, 2026

The Dodgers have forgotten how to hit, the Chargers have forgotten how to win, UCLA has apparently forgotten it’s UCLA, and the Lakers are going 75-7.

There’s a lot to unpack this Monday morning in Los Angeles sports. The Dodgers are making October baseball look like an advanced form of psychological torture. The Chargers are 0-5 and might need to start recruiting offensive linemen from the parking lot. The Rams have the unenviable task of stopping Josh Allen tonight. UCLA is undefeated, which is a sentence that still feels like a typo. USC actually won a big road game, and the Lakers are apparently preparing for a championship parade after beating Sacramento in the preseason.

Pour yourself a strong cup of coffee. If you’re a Chargers fan, maybe make it an Irish one.

The Dodgers: Can Andrew Friedman’s Computer Hit Cleanup?

The Dodgers lost Game 1 to Milwaukee last night, and I’m officially concerned. Not mildly concerned. Not “it’s a long series” concerned. I’m talking about checking the blood pressure every time someone steps into the batter’s box with a runner on second.

First, let’s acknowledge something: this isn’t the same Milwaukee Brewers team the Dodgers handled last October. These guys are confident, aggressive, and apparently unaware that they’re supposed to be intimidated by a roster that costs approximately the GDP of a small European country.

The Dodgers’ pitching? Excellent. Elite, even. The starting rotation has done more than enough to win these games.

The offense? I’ve seen Little League teams execute better situational hitting, and at least those kids get orange slices afterward.

Shohei Ohtani hasn’t hit a home run in what feels like three presidential administrations. Will Smith currently looks like he’s trying to hit a baseball with a pool noodle. And when the Dodgers get runners in scoring position, you might as well start preparing for the next inning.

It’s almost impressive how consistently this team can turn second and third with one out into absolutely nothing.

Yes, Yoshinobu Yamamoto takes the mound today. Wonderful. Terrific. Fantastic.

But unless Yamamoto has secretly learned to hit cleanup, he’s not solving the problem I’m worried about.

Dave Roberts sounded remarkably calm after the loss. Of course he did. Dave Roberts could be standing on the deck of the Titanic watching the iceberg approach and tell reporters, “I really like where we’re at.”

But here’s what I really want to know.

Is Andrew Friedman’s computer worried?

Because somewhere inside Dodger Stadium there’s presumably a supercomputer running 47 million simulations, calculating exit velocity, launch angle, expected batting average, and the precise probability that Will Smith will eventually make contact with a baseball.

I’d love to know what it’s saying.

Because my computer is saying something considerably less sophisticated:

WE HAVE A PROBLEM.

The Chargers: 0-5, and the Offensive Line Is Now a Missing Persons Case

The Chargers lost to Denver, fell to 0-5, and are rapidly approaching the point where the most exciting thing about their season will be the NFL Draft.

Now, in fairness, they were missing four offensive linemen. Four!

At that point, you’re not fielding an offensive line. You’re organizing a neighborhood watch.

Justin Herbert was sacked five times, which honestly seems like a relatively low number considering he spent much of the afternoon running for his life.

The defining moment came at the end, when Herbert couldn’t even get off a Hail Mary attempt. Think about that. The Chargers needed a miracle, and their offensive line couldn’t even provide enough protection to let them ask God for one.

But let’s not let the injuries excuse everything.

Early in the fourth quarter, the Chargers faced a critical fourth-and-one. One yard. Three feet. Thirty-six inches. And they couldn’t get it.

This is a team coached by Jim Harbaugh, a man whose entire football identity is supposedly built around toughness, physicality, and dominating the line of scrimmage.

Right now, the Chargers couldn’t dominate the line at the DMV.

At 0-5, the playoffs are beginning to look like a mathematical fantasy. The bigger question is how much longer this team can continue losing without someone asking some very uncomfortable questions about the direction of the franchise.

Herbert deserves better. Chargers fans deserve better.

And frankly, so does the poor guy who’s going to be asked to play left tackle next week.

The Rams: Josh Allen Is Coming to Town. Wonderful.

The Rams host Buffalo tonight on Monday Night Football, and the timing couldn’t be much worse.

The 49ers are 5-0, playing like a legitimate Super Bowl contender, and threatening to turn the NFC West race into a one-team parade before Halloween.

Meanwhile, the Rams are trying to find the win column.

And who’s coming to SoFi Stadium?

Josh Allen.

Fantastic.

Allen is basically what happens when you combine a linebacker, a quarterback, and a runaway freight train into one human being. He’s capable of beating you with his arm, his legs, or by simply running through your defensive back like he’s late for a connecting flight.

The good news is Aaron Donald returns tonight.

The bad news is that Aaron Donald might have to tackle Josh Allen, cover receivers, rush the passer, and possibly sell popcorn in Section 212.

The Rams desperately need this game. Not because a loss would mathematically eliminate them from anything, but because falling further behind San Francisco would make the rest of the season feel like one very long uphill climb.

The Rams have enough talent to compete. They just haven’t put it all together consistently.

Tonight would be a particularly good time to start.

And if Aaron Donald can introduce himself to Josh Allen about six times in the Buffalo backfield, that would be appreciated.

UCLA Football: Someone Check Bob Chesney’s Water Bottle

UCLA is 5-0.

Let me repeat that.

UCLA. IS. 5-0.

The Bruins just went into Oregon and won for the first time there since 2004. They’ve climbed all the way to No. 12 in the rankings, and suddenly Westwood is beginning to resemble an actual college football powerhouse.

What in the name of Terry Donahue is going on?

Bob Chesney deserves an enormous amount of credit. He’s taken a roster that wasn’t exactly being confused with the 2001 Miami Hurricanes and turned it into an undefeated football team.

And here’s the truly fascinating part: look at the remaining schedule.

You can make a legitimate argument that UCLA should be favored in every game it has left.

The only currently ranked opponent remaining is USC, which creates a uniquely hilarious situation.

UCLA fans now have to root for USC to keep winning.

Not because they like USC. Not because they’ve suddenly developed affection for Lincoln Riley.

But because the Bruins desperately need that game to mean something when it comes to playoff consideration.

Imagine being a UCLA fan and having to say, “I really hope USC beats Ohio State.”

That’s like a Dodgers fan rooting for the Giants because it might improve their strength of schedule.

And then there’s Nico Iamaleava.

The Bruins are undefeated despite the fact that their highly compensated quarterback might be the weakest link on the roster.

At this point, UCLA’s NIL collective might want to investigate whether Nico came with a 30-day money-back guarantee.

Can you return a quarterback to Tennessee without the original packaging?

All kidding aside, Chesney is performing a remarkable coaching job. If UCLA keeps winning, the Bruins could find themselves in the College Football Playoff conversation.

And that would be one of the most remarkable stories in college football.

USC Football: Lincoln Riley Actually Won One of Those Games

Let’s give credit where credit is due.

USC went into Penn State and won.

And not just any game. The kind of game USC has made a habit of losing over the last few seasons.

You know the script. Big opponent. Hostile environment. Plenty of opportunities to make a critical mistake. And somewhere in the fourth quarter, Lincoln Riley looks like a man who just realized he left his wallet on an airplane.

Except this time, USC got it done.

Jayden Maiava bounced back from a disappointing performance and looked much more like the quarterback USC needs him to be.

That’s encouraging.

What’s less encouraging is that USC didn’t move a single spot in the AP Poll after winning on the road.

Apparently the voters watched the game and concluded, “Nice win, but we’re still not buying it.”

And frankly, can you blame them?

Lincoln Riley has a lot of work to do before anyone should feel completely comfortable trusting this program in a big game.

But this was progress. Real progress.

Now comes the difficult part.

Ohio State and Indiana are on the horizon, and those teams aren’t particularly interested in USC’s redemption story.

Maiava needs to demonstrate that this wasn’t a one-week correction. He needs to be consistent, protect the football, and make the right decisions when the competition gets considerably tougher.

Because beating Penn State is a nice accomplishment.

Beating Ohio State or Indiana would be a statement.

And Lincoln Riley could certainly use a few of those.

The Lakers: 75-7 Seems Reasonable

I don’t want to overreact to preseason basketball.

But after watching the Lakers dismantle Sacramento, I think 75 wins is a reasonable expectation.

Maybe 76.

Of course, there’s the minor complication that the Lakers won’t get to play the Sacramento Kings 82 times.

Which is unfortunate, because that would make this whole championship thing considerably easier.

The most intriguing part of this Lakers team isn’t necessarily the established stars. It’s the young talent.

Specifically, Adou Thiero and Cameron Carr.

Thiero brings the kind of athleticism, defensive energy, and physicality that the Lakers have desperately needed from their supporting cast.

Carr brings length, explosiveness, and the kind of upside that makes you wonder whether the Lakers might have found something special.

Now, let’s be clear. They’re young. They’re going to make mistakes. There will be nights when they look like future All-Stars and other nights when they look like they should still be attending freshman orientation.

But if these two can contribute meaningful minutes, the Lakers suddenly become a much more interesting team.

Because the difference between being a good Western Conference team and a legitimate contender often comes down to whether your younger players can give you something unexpected.

And for once, the Lakers might actually have a couple of those guys.

So yes, I’m excited.

Am I planning the parade?

Not yet.

But I’ve already cleared a few dates in June.

The Last Sip

It’s a strange time to be a Los Angeles sports fan.

The Dodgers have a championship-caliber pitching staff and an offense that apparently believes scoring runs is optional.

The Chargers are 0-5, and their offensive line has fewer healthy bodies than a hospital waiting room during flu season.

The Rams need a win tonight, but first they’ll have to deal with a quarterback who looks like he was engineered in a laboratory.

UCLA is undefeated and dreaming about the College Football Playoff, while USC is finally showing signs that Lincoln Riley might actually know how to win a difficult road game.

And the Lakers?

They’re going 75-7.

Or 74-8 if they have to play Sacramento on the second night of a back-to-back.

But here’s the thing that worries me most this morning.

It’s not the Chargers. At 0-5, expectations have already been appropriately adjusted.

It’s not the Rams. They still have time.

It’s not USC or UCLA, both of whom are giving their fans reasons for optimism.

It’s the Dodgers.

Because great pitching can carry you a long way in October.

But eventually, somebody has to hit the damn baseball.

And unless Andrew Friedman’s computer has figured out how to drive in a runner from third with less than two outs, we’re going to have a very stressful week.

Have a great Monday, everybody. And go Dodgers. Please. For the love of God. Score some runs.