August 31, 2026

Aaron Donald is officially returning to the Los Angeles Rams.
I still can’t believe I’m typing that sentence.
Aaron Donald — future Hall of Famer, three-time Defensive Player of the Year and one of the most terrifying human beings ever to line up across from an offensive guard — has decided retirement has gone on long enough.
Apparently spending Sundays at home watching other people play defensive tackle eventually becomes irritating when you know you’re still better than 98% of them.
And suddenly the Rams’ defensive outlook changes dramatically.
Donald doesn’t have to be 2018 Aaron Donald anymore. He doesn’t even have to play 70 snaps a game. Put him into a defensive front with Myles Garrett, Kobie Turner, Braden Fiske and Byron Young and just let offensive coordinators spend Tuesday nights staring at the ceiling.
“So…who exactly are we doubling?”
Correct.
All of them.
And quietly, the Rams should also feel pretty damn good about their quarterback room.
Matthew Stafford is still Matthew Stafford, but the preseason gave us something we haven’t had much of during the Stafford era:
Confidence that if QB1 misses a game, civilization doesn’t immediately collapse.
Between Stetson Bennett and Ty Simpson, the Rams appear to have legitimate options behind Stafford.
That’s important because Stafford is 38 years old and has accumulated enough NFL injuries to qualify for his own medical residency.
You hope you never need the backup.
For once, you don’t have to be terrified if you do.
Coffee Verdict: The Rams entered camp looking like contenders. They leave it with Aaron freaking Donald.
Expectations have officially changed.

CHARGERS: PLEASE WRAP EVERYONE IN BUBBLE WRAP
I like the Chargers this year.
I really do.
Unfortunately, I’ve also watched the Chargers before.
Their schedule is difficult, their margin for error isn’t enormous, and their annual battle against the most formidable opponent in franchise history has already begun:
The injury report.
If this team stays reasonably healthy, however, there’s a lot to like.
And let me throw one prediction onto the table:
Omarion Hampton can win the NFL rushing title.
Not eventually.
This year.
Jim Harbaugh wants to run the football. Hampton is built like someone created a running back in Madden and moved the strength slider slightly too far to the right.
The biggest question is whether the offensive line stays intact.
Give Hampton healthy blocking for 17 games and he’s going to get the volume. And if he gets the volume, 1,400-1,500 yards isn’t some ridiculous fantasy.
Of course, we’re discussing the Chargers, so I probably just pulled three hamstrings by writing that paragraph.
Coffee Verdict: The Chargers can be very good.
Just bubble-wrap the offensive line until kickoff.


DODGERS: TWO OUT OF THREE…AND SOMEHOW I’M STILL ANNOYED
The Dodgers took two of three from Detroit.
That’s good!
Now let’s discuss the offense.
That’s bad!
Actually, let me clarify.
It’s been bad for nearly two months.
For a lineup with this much talent, watching the Dodgers manufacture runs lately has occasionally felt like watching someone attempt to assemble IKEA furniture without the instructions.
There are enough good players that eventually somebody hits a home run and everyone celebrates.
But sustained rallies?
Timely hitting?
Putting together quality at-bats for nine innings?
Apparently those features require a software update.
This isn’t a two-week slump anymore. We’re approaching the point where you have to acknowledge this is an actual trend.
And that’s concerning because October doesn’t care what your payroll is.
Nobody awards postseason runs because Shohei Ohtani, Mookie Betts and Freddie Freeman are printed at the top of the lineup card.
You actually have to score them.
The good news is that the pitching continues getting healthier and the Dodgers still possess enough talent to win the World Series.
The bad news?
If this offense shows up in October, we’re going to spend four hours watching a 2-1 playoff game while Dave Roberts makes 17 pitching changes and all of Los Angeles screams at its television.
Coffee Verdict: Winning two of three against Detroit is nice.
Now somebody please locate the offense.


ANGELS: COME FOR THE $5 TICKETS, STAY FOR THE RODENTS
Seven straight losses.
Worst team in baseball.
Ladies and gentlemen, your Los Angeles Angels.
But I refuse to focus entirely on the negative.
Because the Angels are providing something incredibly rare in Southern California:
Affordable family entertainment.
You can apparently get into the Diamond Club for around $5.
Five dollars!
Do you understand how remarkable that is?
You can’t park at Disneyland for $5.
You can’t buy a beer at a Dodgers game for $5.
You can barely buy a large coffee for $5.
But apparently you can sit in premium seats at Angel Stadium and watch Major League Baseball.
Well…
one Major League Baseball team.
The opponent.
And as an added bonus, you may even encounter some of the local wildlife reportedly inhabiting the aging ballpark.
Nothing says family night quite like:
“Dad, is that Mickey Mouse?”
“No, son. That’s an actual rat. Don’t touch it.”
This franchise has reached the fascinating stage where losing isn’t even upsetting anymore.
It’s performance art.
Coffee Verdict: Seven straight losses and the worst record in baseball.
But $5 Diamond Club tickets?
Arte Moreno has finally discovered dynamic pricing.


USC: GOOD NEWS — EVERYONE SURVIVED
USC opened its season Saturday at the Coliseum against San Jose State and won.
That’s the important part.
The second-most important part?
Nobody in attendance died of heat stroke.
Watching an afternoon football game at the Coliseum in August remains one of America’s great endurance competitions.
“Welcome to USC football. Your complimentary sunscreen and IV bag are underneath your seat.”
As for the actual football?
There was plenty to like.
But I still have questions about the defense.
Yes, USC eventually pulled starters.
Yes, you’re going to play backups with a comfortable lead.
I understand all of that.
But I’ve spent the entire offseason hearing about USC’s newfound depth.
This recruiting class is supposedly different.
The roster is deeper.
The talent level has been upgraded.
USC can finally rotate players without the defense turning into a Big 12 game from 2018.
Great.
Then I would like to see it.
Because if your backups are supposedly talented enough to contribute this season, I don’t want the defense becoming optional whenever the starters leave.
Against San Jose State, you can survive it.
Against Penn State, Oregon, Ohio State or whichever collection of enormous Midwestern humans eventually appears on the schedule?
Different conversation.
Coffee Verdict: A win is a win.
But Lincoln Riley’s biggest question remains exactly where it was eight months ago:
Can USC actually play championship-caliber defense?
We’ll find out soon enough.


LAKERS: THE KUMINGA HOSTAGE CRISIS IS FINALLY OVER
Jonathan Kuminga signed with Minnesota.
And while I’m disappointed he isn’t a Laker, I would like to celebrate something far more important:
WE NEVER HAVE TO READ ANOTHER JONATHAN KUMINGA-TO-THE-LAKERS RUMOR.
It’s over.
Finished.
Done.
No more anonymous executives.
No more “Lakers monitoring the situation.”
No more fake trade proposals where Los Angeles somehow acquires Kuminga for Gabe Vincent, a 2041 second-round pick and the rights to Jack Nicholson’s courtside seat.
Minnesota got him.
Good for them.
Now let’s talk about the opportunity this creates.
Because I think Adou Thiero and Cameron Carr are going to matter.
The Lakers spent the summer flirting with the idea of adding another young wing.
Maybe the answer was already sitting on the roster.
Thiero brings physicality, athleticism and defensive versatility.
Carr brings length, shooting upside and a fascinating offensive skill set.
Are they finished products?
Of course not.
But young players don’t develop because you repeatedly tell everyone how promising they are while they watch veterans play 38 minutes.
They develop by playing.
And now there are minutes available.
Something tells me one — and potentially both — of these guys is going to make the Lakers look pretty smart for not panicking.
Sometimes the best move isn’t the blockbuster you make.
It’s the unnecessary one you don’t.
Coffee Verdict: Kuminga would have been fun.
But I’m buying stock in Thiero and Carr.
Ask me again in February.









































